It has been awhile since I last wrote here. So many things has happened and will definitely continue to happen. First and foremost I am so glad that I finally has the chance to go for Umrah on 25th May 2011. I felt blessed and loved especially by Allah S.W.T., because of his grace I have the chance and opportunity to cleanse myself from my sins and wrongdoings knowingly or otherwise. I praise Allah for all his blessings to me and my family. I'm also blessed to have met someone who is very pious and religious. He helps me to see the life with a wider view and also sees what is inside ourself so that we will be able to mend it while we still have the chance. Sometimes I cried, thinking of all the things that I've done which I am not very proud of. I really wish and hope that Allah will show me the way to repent myself and forgive me for all of my sins.   However, most of the time I still find it very hard to be a better person, for the test of life is overwhelmingly too much for me to handle. Though I know God will never test me for something that I could not take, but still it is not easy. For some, it is easy to remind us that there is nothing that we could not handle, but the truth is, when we are in that difficult situation, we feel so weak and powerless. Everything seems so bleak and grim, soul less. Crying is all that I can do, since nothing else seems work for me! Why is it so difficult to be a better person, when doing wrong is so easy and seems pretty normal? Oh...how I wish I have all the answer and be able to defend myself from getting into this mess of uncertainty of my own life. But I still believe in God, not because I can see it, but because I can see things more clearer because of God! My only wish is that God will never leave me..so that I will still have hope, that life is not to torture my heart, but to make it stronger and have faith that after every dark cloud, there will be a silver lining! Oh your most gracious God..please help me in this journey so that I'll be one of those who becomes your guess in your great heaven..amin.